BIG NEWS!

Millions of people around the world trust *The Wasp* for their daily dose of hard-hitting journalism. But rarely do the editors of this most trusted periodical have an announcement of such momentous-occasionary.

First leaked to the press via Lindsay Lohan's stolen 'Sidekick' instant messaging device, this incredible piece of information is such that mankind may never be the same again.

Yes, Jesse Wallace got his license.


I am now able to go outside, get into the car, and drive wherever I want, all by myself. Gone are the days when I rely on others to deliver me to appointments and the beer store. No more shall I be a slave to bus schedule.

First, I'd like to thank my Mother. She was my first driver, and the one that originally tried to train me for a life of independence. I just want you to know....it wasn't your fault.

Second, I have to thank Annie Ossowski. My High School sweetheart. Her mother's silver Cutlass Cierra was the first taste of freedom that I enjoyed, albeit from the passenger seat. She assumed I would get the license before the end of high school, as did everyone I suppose, and as the years went on, I always thought that my first solo flight would be to her place, just to say 'See? I knew I could do this'. But that would only have been cool, like, 10 years ago.

Next, I need to say a word about all of the other friends and girlfriends that never gave me too hard a time for not driving whenever we had to go somewhere, and especially for never being the DD. You're all wonderful and I thank you. Feel free to tip a few. Gimme' a call if you need a lift.

And I should mention Ahmed, the Persian gentleman who facilitated my road test. I want to thank you for not breaking my chops too hard about the crosswalk thing, and the parked car incident. You can expect the second half of the uh......arrangement to be deposited soon, and I wish you a speedy recovery. Get well soon, Buddy!

Last but not least, where would I be without Suzanne? For 10 years she ferried my sorry ass around, never complaining TOO much about the albatross hanging around my neck. She deserves a medal for her patience and dedication. From here on out you can sit back and enjoy the scenery. Just don't try to navigate.

Today, I officially retire the 'I don't drive, I'm driven' line. It's no longer applicable.

Because from now on...I drive.

Stay off the sidewalks.